I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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