there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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