Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
