my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
