i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Dicks are not precious.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
