ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
How's work?
Spinning.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
