I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
