That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
