i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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