I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
