Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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