Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
