The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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