If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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