Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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