dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She just used a chaser for red wine.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
