I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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