Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
