my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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