Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
