I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
