i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
