I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
