Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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