I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
