I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
