Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
