guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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