stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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