i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
