i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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