Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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