and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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