Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
