my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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