my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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