Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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