Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
