are you still at the devil's house?
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
