I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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