paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
