I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
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the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
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I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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