im holly from the hills drunk
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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