Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
