Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
