I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
