booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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