3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
