dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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