I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
