oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She tied me up with her honor cords...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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