I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
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