someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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